Looking back at some of my posts, i find that some things i written seemed awkward or simply doesn't make sense. This happens because sometimes when i post, i simply do not think properly, i write what i just feel like at that point of time. When i do that, usually my thoughts are in chinese, so the grammer conflict between the two languages leads to wierd ramblings to the reader, sometimes portraying Eush logic: logic that only i understand. Afterall, i am no professional writer. And afterall, a blog is somewhat like a semi-private diary, sometimes you write for otheres, sometimes you write for yourself, and at other times, both.
There are times when i wake up in the morning and i wonder the reason for my place in this world. I would muse to myself in a corner and think about all the weird philosophies and theories that constantly run through my mind. When i look at people, i feel superior. I wonder whether there is a god, and wonder whether he placed me here to enlighten the poor fools trapped in their own bubbles. There are also other times when i just feel plain stupid, especially when i get my grades. Then reality takes over, i realize i am a mere mortal of flesh and blood. I have to eat and drink. I have to breathe air. Then i'll wonder whether i am born for greater things or should i just be content with being a "farmer" and living a simple life. (The 'farmer' phrase was learnt during my 2 years stint in the army. There were two kinds of officers then, regulars and nsf:meaning non-regulars. For the regulars, those with degrees were classified as 'high-flyers'. Promotion for them is considered relatively fast, as for those who signed on with an 'A' level cert or a diploma, they were called 'farmers' as they had to work and toil their way up like a farmer, slow and taxing. Filtered through my brain, the 'farmer' phrase slowly evolved to mean: "A man who doesn't mind living a simple life, doesn't hanker for great achievements nor power nor monetary assets. A simple man who simply earns and pays his dues." Meritocracy in Singapore? In the private sector, yes perhaps, but in the army, nah. Bullshit.)
When i left army, i thought i had attained enlightenment. I was willing to live in recluse and become a monk. After just a semester in Ngee Ann poly however, i begin to slowly realise in shock that my will of iron has been broken. Determination has ORD-ed the day i ORD-ed. My Logic and reasoning is slowly leaving me, leaving me with only bullshit and crap. Less and less do i have those clear headed nights when i think about my life and the road ahead seem clear as crystal to me. Fog clouds my mind instead these days, where smoke alcohol and vices cloud my sense of logic. My mom is a superstitious woman. She believed in "feng shui", god, fortune telling and the likes. My mom told me when i was young, she took me to a number of fortune tellers, which unfortunately i could not clearly remember. Out of these few professionals who makes a living communicating with their sub-conscious, one said i was an indian general in my past life, while another said i was a woman, thus explaining why i looked better in a skirt than my sis did when i was young. One fortune telling session which i vaugely remember, he tied many strings to himself in a incence filled room, and "invoked" the black white hell guards up. It scared the hell out of me that time. I was about nine or ten years old i think. The "invoked" said something to my mom, which she translated to me when i was older that i was born with two routes in life, one is to become a blah blah.. (i forgot what), another is to become a monk. Sometimes, i do ponder. If i weren't born in this era in this place, chances are i may really consider becoming a monk. Afterall, i do feel out of place with the lot in this world.
Emotions, do you think we know emotions when we were babies? I guess not. Why do we possess so many interesting emotions when we grow up then? God-infused? Our genes developed it as we grow? Perhaps? How about we were taught these emotions? How about actually in fact, we all learn how to "feel" by observing and sub-consciously we react to situations with reactions which we observed others did. Therefore the emotions don't really belong to us. We are just reacting chemically and physically to a gesture/speech/action, just because we have imitated from young, and our bodies and minds are programmed to react accordingly. Then again, what if somebody is left out of contact with the human civillisation from the moment he was born? With nobody to learn(imitate) from, how would he in contrast to a "normal"person, react supposing when he saw someone being killed in a car accident. Well i don't know. Perhaps he would have no reaction. Or he would just see the killed person as food? Since no values were taught to him, but he would be definately different. Another senerio. What if a person was brought up normally, but he was so different from the rest, he always had a different emotion for a similar situation. However, he understands the working of the world and he doesn't want to lose friends as he seeks companionship. Therefore he pretends. He blends in. He programs himself to "feel" like the rest. He laughs at jokes which to him are merely words forming a stament, sometimes fact, sometimes imagination. He behaves manly with guys, he curses, swear, learn to talk about things he isn't interested in. He learns to love, to cherish, to accept the values and perceptions which have become the norms in society. He becomes like the rest. In return, he sells his real self. I wonder how many of us are actually like that. I try to think, but i can't think too deep, for an emptiness always take me. And if i let the emptiness take me, i don't know what will happen, whether i will be strong enough to return.
